PERSONAL STATS
NAME: "Minky",
a pathetic interpretation of Inspector Closseau's pronunciation of monkey
in the movie "The Pink Panther". When I first met my benefactors 20
years ago, magician Doug Henning and wife Debby, they said: "Oh,
how cute... it's a
miiiinkey" and I've been stuck with it
ever since.
AKA's (all preferable):
"Minkster"
"Monkster" (my evil alter-ego)
"Monk" but now that
obnoxious OCD detective has ripped me off
RACE: black spider monkey, officially ateles paniscus, but as legend has it, quite possibly a hybrid of fusciceps and brachyteles which would indeed explain my sasquatchian size and abundant hair
AGE: 20 years, well into middle age... teetering on the brink of senior curmudgeondom. Humom says it's been like having a 3 year old kid for 20 years, but I'm really way more sophisticated. Think of me as the quintessential man-child
LIFE EXPECTANCY: Honestly? Well, as I've said, if the humaniacs had their way I'd be dead meat in some Central or South American jungle by now, getting served up instead of served gourmet meals. As it is, I'm kicking back in captivity and might be lucky enough to get into my 30's (which will definitely be the case if humom has anything to say about it) before the big kahuna swings me away
RANGE: born and raised in sunny southern California, but have traveled all across the country more times than I have fingers on one hand. Some distant relatives still survive in the jungles of Central and South America
PROFESSION: first and foremost a magic monkey but did a little acting in music videos and commercials, delivered balloons (AKA: the 'Balloon Baboon") for brief run in late 80's, also educational/PR appearances at schools/benefits. Been basically retired for almost 15 years
PHYSICAL
CHARACTERISTICS: 3' tall
standing, hovering between 31-32 lbs. since entering middle-age (about 5 years
back) when my gut inflated like a
basketball. Before this I was a buff 28 lbs and could very well have been in the NBA,
being all arms and legs with enormous feet (and you know what that
means) and great at tossing balls around
(pardon the expression). Humom always wanted me to wear a jersey but I don't have
the shoulders to hold it up
HOBBIES/SKILLS: minkadinking (see glossary), climbing, swinging, grooming, flirting, eating
DIET:
Staples:
monkey biscuits (always soaked now cuz my teeth are worn down to nubs), whole-grain toast spread generously with Earth Balance
(no trans-fats for me, and I eat the buttered side first and crusts last, thank you
very much), banana, apple, baby carrots (marinated for a special treat), raw green beans
(or cooked with
lemon pepper and spray butter), brocolli (cooked only), kiwi, tangerine or
oranges, tomatoes, celery, green onions, yams (cooked), nuts, some
turkey or chicken now and again...
Seasonal Specialties:
GRAPES but only a few cuz I tend to binge and get
the squirts, strawberries and whatever other kind of
berries available, loquats, peaches, plums, pomegranates, pineapple,
mangoes, corn...
LIKES: pretty girls (especially blondes); cruising in the car; a bit o' burger/fries from Jack In The Box; swingin' (no... not in the sexual sense); human feet and shoes; hangin' upside down; climbin' trees (uh huh... loose); being groomed; doing spread-eagle kamikaze's on the bed from the top of the bedroom door (when I was younger, anyway); twirling on my rope as fast as I can; wine (but I've been on the wagon for 3 years now); throwing stuff: teasing the dog(s) and/or cat(s); watchin' TV, especially re-runs of The Nanny and Friends; and last but not least, (though I hate to admit it and YOU MUST SWEAR NEVER, EVER TO REPEAT THIS) shnuggle time with humom
DISLIKES: my name (including nicknames "Minky-doo", "Minky-doo-dah", "Minky-doodle", "Minka-dinka-doo", well, you get the picture); being ignored; Brussel sprouts (cooked or uncooked, with or without butter, THEY ARE NASTY... even the dog won't touch 'em); radishes; humaniacs; anything reptilian or remotely resembling reptiles; anything inanimate that looks like it should be alive but isn't, ie: plastic, rubber, wooden or inflatable animals/insects (monkey voodoo to the max); getting sprayed with water; being forced to dance with humom to the theme songs of The Nanny, Friends and other sitcoms, glasses/hats/new hairdos on humom; kids smaller than me