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MONKSTA-SPEAK
glossary
You
will understand virtually everything primative if you learn these simple
terms. You will also learn some reasons why monkeys do not make good pets...
minkadink: to take things apart and not put them back together, ie: to tinker with and destroy; to "monkey around with". As this is a primary primative preoccupation, you can see why I'm hell in the house, which is one reason why monkeys do not make good pets
minkadinker: well, that's obvious... one proficient in minkadinking, ie: me
monkster: a cross between a monkey and a monster... my evil alter-ego. As the monkster side can rear it's ugly head at any time, it is another reason why monkeys do not make good pets, especially for the faint of heart
humaniacs: bleeding-heart-holier-than-thou-know-it-alls who have gone completely insane with the whole animal-rights thing (my rights, thank you very much), romantically hyping "the wild" as some happily-ever-after utopia. Excuse me, but life out there is brutal, harsh and short... and what, pray tell, is gonna happen when there's no more "out there" anymore? They are way too busy making my business their business to understand/respect human-animal one-on-one relationships, not to mention they have not one ounce of humor or whimsy in their entire collective soul. To paraphrase fellow country-woman Evita: Don't cry for me, Ar-seholes...
humom: one's human mother
hudad: one's human father
monkey biscuits: Zupreme Primate Diet, not to be confused with Purina Monkey Chow, Mazuri or some inferior knock-off brand. Best when soaked to the proper consistency-- soft and squishy yet firm with no discernible crunch. Crunchy centers are simply not acceptable... if/when crunch is detected the offending morsel is spat to the ground. Very delectable soaked in grape juice, and as each new bag varies in flavor, I generally go on strike from consuming unless/until they are soaked in just that for the transitional period
pout: a demeanor and posture learned at a very young age to show displeasure/get you what you want. It is effectively accomplished by sitting in a somewhat curled-up position, putting the head down and turning your shoulder and/or back to-- and completely ignoring-- the one who's offended you. It is permissible to glance occasionally at the offender but mandatory that you turn away if/when they look back.
pathetic monkey: this is really good... I often invoke it when people are gawking at me out in public. Sit all huddled up with head down (similar to pout position), looking as sad and pathetic as primatively possible. For dramatic effect, I place humom's hand on me for grooming... everybody ooohs and aaahs. Drives the humaniacs crazy... they're sure I'm completely abused.
tantrum: a major fit thrown if you don't get your way, or when ANYTHING pisses you off, hurts, surprises or scares you. Screaming at the top of your lungs, biting, pulling/ripping of hair (or whatever available), anything that can be gotten away with until properly subdued/controlled is Standard Operating Procedure. This is the main reason monkeys do not make a good pets, unless you're into severe physical and mental abuse. Note: we spider monkeys as a species are rather high strung and temperamental, and are therefore especially prone to tantrums. This could be why we are not used much in the research biz. Did I mention our brain capacity is quite small in relation to our size??
hooting: A hellacious repetitive sound-- escalating in volume, timber, pitch and frequency-- emitted to alert all spider monkeys (or any living thing who might or might not care) within a 50 mile radius that there's potential danger afoot. This danger might be completely imagined from something as benign as a new dog's bark, a bird overhead (well, it looked like a monkey-eating eagle!), or anything that looks vaguely reptilian, etc.... Once begun, it is very difficult to stop until the cycle has run it's course, resulting in all kinds of attention, treats and distractions to calm/subdue you before the neighbors either call the police or blow you away. Sometimes only the threat of getting sprayed with water will shock me out of it, which is humom's likely solution if I've begun in the wee hours of the morning. It is yet another reason monkeys do not make a good pets...
whinny: Done soft and "whistley" (sort of bird-like) it means "I'm here, you're there... I'm happy and content... welcome back" or "I like this... this is good". Done deep and throaty (more like neighing) it means "Reeeally glad to see you... where have you been all my life, doll-face... show me some lovin'!" or "This is REEEALLY good... I really love this!"
Kongitude: a territorial thing... very macho. Raising hair on neck, shoulders and arms so as to be perpendicular to body, puffing you up to at least twice normal size. Rocking side to side, showing teeth, shaking/throwing whatever at hand are characteristic, generally while groarling. And yes, most definitely another reason monkeys do not make a good pets...
Groarl: cross between growl and roar. Means the beast has been released... one big ol' bad-ass monkey to be reckoned with. Often accompanies a Kongitude...
bark: oops... something startled me
trill: a distress call, an upward scale of chirps meaning "I'm worried... scared... I don't like what's going on... don't leave... save me!" I used to do it a lot as a youngster, but very rarely now
squirps and twirps: sort of mini- whinnies. Squeals, squeaks, tweets and chirps. Many variations... all happy and content
monkey-kisses (also known as lip-smacking): "Where have you been all my life, doll... hello, I love you, let me jump in your game". Scrunch up face, shove the chin and both lips out, purse/pucker them and smack. Especially effective while simultaneously doing the whinny... gets 'em every time. It's always best to follow a tantrum immediately with monkey-kisses... it might just save your primative butt. In fact, as far as humom is concerned, monkey-kisses cancel out most negatives, but she is very weird...
scrunchy-face: same expression as with monkey-kisses but without any smacking or sound... "Hey, I know you... you're OK"
grooming: an absolute necessity of life. Best when done to you but still has somewhat of a calming and zen effect when done by you.
GROOMING DIRECTIONS:
Groomee (one being groomed): Spread out comfortably and completely space out,
being concerned
only with presenting part of body to be "done" to
groomer.
Change position as necessary. If needed, pick a little at the area you
desire to be groomed. If groomer doesn't get the message or pauses during
session, gently grab hand and place on desired body part.
Groomer (one doing grooming): Stare intently at area being groomed and pick
carefully through fur (or skin or clothing) while smacking lips and/or sucking the
tongue. Occasionally put fingers to mouth as if to eat whatever uncovered/picked
off...
fhumbs: appendages on feet exactly like human thumbs, very handy used in conjunction with tail for hanging upside down. In the primative jungle it was ever-so-much more efficient to have these appendages on your feet instead of interfering with hook-like hands used for swinging through the tree-tops
shoes: the funniest things ever invented by humans. Absolutely never fail to crack me up, even in the midst of a major pout. They are positively hysterical when shaken at me... don't know why.
laughing: exactly what you think it is... mouth open, lips protruding and puckered for a "hohoho" sound, or pulled slightly back for a "hahaha" sound while shaking head and pointing at whatever you think is funny, usually human feet/shoes.